I just don't want to fall in!

Over the long Memorial Weekend, Dan and I decided we would go with a few friends up to Yosemite to camp along the Merced River. You see Dan is a rafter. He has rafted some awesome rivers in the world, one I have no idea how to spell in Chile called the Foolefoo or something like that, not to mention the Grand Canyon 3X plus many US rivers up to class V.

Now before this weekend - I had heard these rafting stories like old mystical legends. These trips seemed to have a certain boys club anonymity. I was sure you had to have a secret decoder ring to be a part of one; but not this trip = Girls included. So off we went. We were going raftin'. I was now a part of that club.

On the early morning drive there I had one thought about my upcoming river adventure - What if I fall in? You see I am not a strong swimmer? If I fell in there was only one place I would be falling and that is in the frigid cold water of the smashing, yet shallow Merced river. And when I say smashing I don't mean handsome. The last thing in the entire world I want to do is fall in.

Fear set in. Panic mode was beginning and I did not know if I could do this. I want to be brave, truth is - I am not. I want to be adventurous - truth is - I am not. There came a point in our drive that I was paralyzed with fear - not to mention - the smell of cow crap along the rode was penetrating.

As we arrived - we were able to drive the road that ran next to the river so I could get a good look at the water highway I would be riding down the next day...... {not so bad, I can handle, not intimidating} - BUT - What if I fall in? I can't swim real well and the water is frickin' ice cold. If I fall in, will I freeze and panic and have a heart attack. If I fall in, will I conk my head on a rock and be rendered unconscious only to gulp river water and drown. Regardless of this interior monologue - I put on my brave face and smiled at Dan and said, "I am in." He smiled. I think for the first time I was jumping in (pardon the expression) to something he loved passionately. This was the least I could do for him after all of the theater I had dragged him too in the past months- and the most recent play had a naked man in it. Not cool and certainly no way close to being fun, by Dan's definition ( which I now totally understand).

SO long story short - we rafted on Saturday. It was awesome. I was able to really see Dan in his element. When I was telling the story to a friend this week - she said to me, "Did you fall all over again.". Not hearing what she was saying completely - I said "No - I almost fell out but I did not fall in." She corrected me and said - "No, did you fall in love all over again?" I had to think about this for a minute because I have learned to believe that "falling in love" is actually dangerous. By definition - "falling" means decreasing in amount or degree, becoming lower or less and coming down under the influence of gravity. Now I don't know about you but anytime I fall - I normally get hurt and I am not talking just emotionally - but physically. If you fall down on the pavement - you get road rash, if you fall off a ladder you break your arm, if you fall in a freezing cold river with enourmous rocks, well ---- you get the picture I am sure.

I believe what I feel towards Dan is more of a "climbing in love". The past two years my love for him has grown in degree, it has risen and it has been steadfast and unwavering. We have been climbing together towards a life that is in front of us. We have never once fallen or felt less than the day before, we have only climed. So how can that expression "falling in love" be a positive. After this weekend - and after Dan rowed that raft through two pretty technical rapids. I realized - He would never let me fall. He would never let us fall.

I thought before this trip that I trusted him - now I know I trust, and it is not because he is a good rafter - it is not because I did not fall out of the boat. It is because I realized as we were stuck on that rock - and the rapids thundered in my ears, as I was holding on to the rope, the dog, and my beer - that there was no way - I was falling in.

Dan rowed the raft to shore once we had completed the last rapid (Class IV). We were safe. Adrenaline pumping - cheering and acting like we had just defied the river God.

I climbed out next to Dan which is exactly where I want to be for the rest of my life.

Just so you know - if I had fallen in -- he would have saved me. I am sure of it.